HOSTEL CAPERS...

If you thought having five years of an intense experience as a hostelite and then some is not enough to write on then you would be wondering what would. Leave aside a bestseller, the kind of extreme situations that a boarder has to face to complete a decent education away from home in India would make for a gazillion case studies of the bizarre leanings! But we will leave that to the saner; right brained ahem babushkas (whatever that means). While a lot is being done about making hostels luxurious and livable mostly ‘India’ still thrives on the ones that I have been to.

Having been an avid reader of the wrong kind of moral books like the very tame Enid Blytons in my childhood, the little adolescent in me had created my own very magical world of how a hostel life should be! It was full of midnight parties, tuck boxes and fun unlimited. Well you could say that it was much 'more' than a mixed bag for me. Well the tuck boxes and the midnight bashes were there all right, but so were the many other things that one will never get to hear about. Simply because of the tiniest attention span that you are bestowed with at that age and of course the theory of how little the human mind can store for the sake of its own sanity.

My dream 'hostel' was full of midnight birthday parties, tuck boxes, beautiful sunlit rooms, with a neatly lined rack of books, a bunk bed where an angel of a roommate awaits me with a welcoming smile. Well, quite simply my first year as a hostelite quickly shattered my illusions about Enid Blytons' 'Hostel unvisited’ fiction. I grew up all too quickly to the fact that this was a whole new ball game and that if I play my cards right, I will have the joyride of my life!

TO ensure that the (fresh-behind-the-ears) find a firm footing in a hostel/pg/boarding situation; here are some essential pointers that will help you get into the race in real style.

" MUMS FOOD =PAST TENSE ":
Forget and I mean forget how appetizing your mum’s food tasted and looked. Here in this incredulous world you will encounter puris like 'rubber', chapathis like frisbees, only you can’t throw them around (they are to be eaten, silly) cooked or boiled worms and more! (this little birdie found a used band-aid swimming in dal).

HOW TO COPE:
You say to yourself 'So I caught a worm today maybe tomorrow I might catch a real cockroach (yikes). Remember nothing tastes bad after its boiled.

The curious case of "SANITATION"
Let us now get down to the nitty gritties of sanitation. Get ready to tackle bucket queues, people cleansing themselves for hours (that explains the blackened walls), stinking loos, water shortage right when you are all soaped up.

HOW TO COPE:
Learn to fight through closed bathroom doors and yell at toilet doors. Resorting to water fights is not uncommon in hostels.
(ASIDE)
Bathroom singers do hours of riyaaz (practice) so never wait for them if they ask you to.

ROOM-MATES: TROUBLE IN PARADISE
They say marriages are made in heaven while I’d say roommates are manufactured ‘God knows where’? You get them in all varieties –the studious-introverts, the laidback slackers, the messy-wierdos, the wannabe artists(all that art in your practical records???), the borrowers (from innerwear to anywhere), the relationship neurotics (My bf thinks I think too much?), the phobics(I can sense a lizard staring at me. Help!) and the list is endless.

HOW TO COPE:
Be extremely flexible and open-minded. A compatible roommate is a friend for life, so cultivate lasting relationships with them. The best part is the evening chai’s that can last for hours, the midnight talks, those silly private jokes, the pranks you co-engineered, all those ‘characters’ that you know so well, the midnight bashes and a soul-mate for life.

WARDENS: ROAD TO EXTRADITION
(A very touchy issue this, my friends)
Diplomacy is the key word here. Especially pg wardens have a way of turning from loving Tulsis to the scheming Komolika’s (K serials anyone) in record time. They will entice you like smiling Madonna’s to a seemingly peaceful abode and mention the word ‘late rent’, the consequences—unclean bathrooms, unchanged bulbs, less quality and quantity of food. Subtle hints that might get lead to a yelling or lots of it in case you want to join ‘her’.

HOW TO COPE:
Be one-up. In classique one-upmanship style tell them in your most cherubic face to change that bulb or the ‘late rent’ might get ‘later’. Keep a note of all money dealings (Despite her telling you how you remind her of her own son). If you have to listen to her son’s crazy cute antics or her hour-by-hour account of how she grooms her poodle’s hair, do it. Give her your best ‘I am all ears’ look only and only if the television is on or run like crazy. Multitasking rocks!

ROOM SIZE: DO BIGHA ZAMEEN
Room Size could vary anywhere from matchboxes to mithai dabbas (Depending on your luck). Figuratively speaking roommates could also vary from a dormitory of people to six to two (And you can’t take you pick). If you had any problems understanding how ants or rats lived in their respective colonies then all your doubts will be cleared post your stint at the hostel.
(JJJASIDEJJJ): Food disappears quite quickly at hostels. Smells and conversations carry through walls or dint you know it already!

HOW TO COPE:
You could float a rumour that you have a highly contagious itchy skin disease. (Do not try this at home.)

MISCELLANEOUS: HITS N MISSES’
Tiny, really excludable commodities like the T.v, its remote, cupboards, tables and chairs can become objects of grave importance and struggle. Never be diplomatic while handling them. Fight over them only if you have atleast six people siding with you. Remember in hostels there is always safety in numbers.

HOW TO COPE:
Learn to watch ‘K serials’ if half the hostel wants to, keep up your end of the 3 inch bargain of the cupboard
space bravely if need be. For tables and chairs the rule is you have them
today and might not have them tomorrow. Learn not to envy your roomie’s closet if all you have is your cot. It will all come to you in time. Water can be a bit of a ‘big issue’ at hostels. But non-bathing days can be made enjoyable.

LEGENDS OF THE FALL:
All hostels have their share of ghost stories and rich history. Remember all boys’ hostels have seen their share of bloodshed and have witnessed a few violent murders or riots of their own. While all girls’ hostels are built on ancient graveyards. Sounds of rustling anklets, dead wardens appearing in the mirrors of a closed bathroom, white-clad ghosts, imaginary spirits and the like are pure hearsay or ‘planned encounters’. Count your enemies first. Yet it does not mean that you might not hear a voice or two beckoning you while you are working at your calculus sums past two at night.

HOW TO COPE:
Ask the ghost to solve that calculus problem for you and watch it disappear. Voila! Cheekiness sure does pay.

RAGGING: The urban Animal farm
Now we have come to the ‘baap’ of all hostel fundas. Remember: It is inescapable. It is also a fun part of letting go of your inhibitions and developing a bond with your seniors. For example if you hadn’t given much thought to your cleft or blackheads then rest assured that your seniors would. Two left feet does not mean you won’t be asked to dance, and sleeping does not a hobby make. From sitting midair to making ‘dosas’ for your seniors or romancing a bark to a snake dance is well entertainment for your seniors. So get jiggy with it.

HOW TO COPE:
Never be too enthusiastic or too unwilling to perform any task assigned to you and never attempt to learn all your seniors names by morning (Doing sudoku is easier, trust me.) All said and done seniors can become friends for life so a month or two after ragging you will bond with most of them.
Having written all this let me warn you to never play by the rules. So go play.

Just to make it a bit melodramatic like any Indian would, allow me to be 1. Anyone who has been there and done that will tell you that hostel life is one of the most glorious and pulsating high points of one’s life. The interesting bunch of people you bond with, the amazing amount of monies you will lent out (J), the parties, the situations you will tackle and survive will make life fun and if you don’t have one then hostel also gives you a personality.

You will have your share of enriching moments and memories to cherish in years to come. More than anything hostel opens you up in ways you cannot begin to imagine. This is the place where magical friendships blossom that will nurture you throughout life. As an ode to all the friends I made on this joyride I’d quote good ol’ Shakespeare,
'When to sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrances of things past,
If the while I think of thee (dear friend)
all losses are restored and sorrows end.’

Lakshmi Ajay